Last week, a friend gently told me that my blog was all over the place; that I needed to get a theme and a focus; and that I needed to get an editor. For about ten seconds after hearing that I felt like I had been punched in my solar plexus. I couldn’t breathe. The voice in my head that constantly tells me I’m not good enough laughed uproariously. “I told you so.” “Who do you think you are!” “You can’t write.” “Do the world a favor and give it up.”
I took a deep breath. As calmly as I could, I agreed with her evaluation of my blog. She was right – I was all over the place and my writing could certainly do with some improvement. I’m just in my fifth week, I said. Give me time and I’ll get better.
Right now, it’s challenging to just get my words into coherent sentences and hit the publish button. Once I get past the deer in headlights feeling, I will think through a focus for my blog. Since that conversation, I’ve been struggling with the critic in my head and worrying about what I am going to write about for this week’s blog. Can I start to articulate a theme? Should I edit each sentence as I write? Should I take a hiatus from the weekly blog until I get my shit together and maybe take a couple of writing classes?
In the meantime, I’ve attended the biggest fattest Indian wedding in Vienna and wandered dumbstruck through palaces adorned with flowers and graced with incredible performances. I am now in Palermo in Sicily – a part of the world that I have been longing to visit for years. I have a hundred stories to share about the wedding and about day one of my Sicily adventures. And yet, here I am. Still writing about my struggle to write. This time though I am not allowing my inner critic to silence me. No tears. Just writing through the “all over the place.”
Maybe next time I’ll tell you all about the wedding.